A Neocon Mass

Posted in Culture, Snark and Snarkier at 6:24 pm by steve


The following is a liturgical mass for the neocon. It celebrates the neocon God. It orients the neocon to his goal. It binds together the neocon practitioners into one practicing body.

The Chicago School Mass
- In memory of all the guys who taught us how to get power, manipulate fear and greed, and make tons of money.

(Enter to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyrie)

Masters of the universe, rulers of worlds known and unkown, imagined and yet to be imagined, makers and destoyers of the world and its inhabitants, men of money, power, wealth, glory, intelligence, and incredible sexual apetites, we are gathered here together like Apollo and Zeus on Olympus, like Odin and Thor at Valhala, like Siegfried and Roy at the Mirage. Here today we celebrate Everlasting Omnipotence of the Glorious Greed, dedicate our selves to its hegemony, and promote the men who promote the cause.


Sprinkling of Money
Let us now share a moment of silence to allow our hearts to fill full and overflowing with the power of greed.
(Visual: Hundred dollar bills fall from the sky. An old man sits motionless. “What about greed,” asks a younster “look at all this money” “You call this money? Ha. Show me a government contract.”
Maynard Ferguson’s “Primal Scream” plays in the background. Huge projection screen shows tanks powering across the landscpe, airplanes in the sky, shiny glass cities in the desert.)

Opening Prayer
Greed is Great
Greed is Good
Let us Shove
And be Rude

Invocation of the Greed Spirit
Gregorian Chant (3 times)

You have got some and I want it.
You have got less but I need it.
I’ve got power; I’ll take it.
Open your wallet and shake it.


And Greed spoke to His People and they answered.

We are nice People — No were not!
We are good People — No were not!
We help the infirm — No we don’t!
We give to the poor — Nothing they might use!
We love our neighbor — When her husband’s away!
We work to make the world a better place — For us!
We believe in justice — So long as we always win!
We believe in fairness — So long as we have the advantage!
We believe in mercy — We will not incinerate a corpse twice!

Greed and Fear — the irresistable forces
Greed and Fear — the immovable objects
Geed and Fear — Our Janus God of yesterday
Geed and fear == Our Janus God of tomorrow


( Sung to All You Need is Love)

There’s nothing you can want that can’t be had.
There’s now way you can take that isn’t “bad.”
There no thing you can want that isn’t yours to take
It’s easy.
All you need is force, pal.
Force is all you need.
Force is all you need.


The ripe fruit of greed in the abstract
Takes great skill and cunning to extract.
To get you top dollar
Get a starched collar
And a Single Source Government Contract.

Ritual of Fear

Fear, the Holy Spirit of Greed Spoke; and the People Responded.

We fear nothing — but Brown Poople.
We loathe nothing — but penury.
We despise nothing — but foreigners.
We hate nothing — but weakness.

The world is full of hungry — Brown People
The world is full of penniless — Brown People
The world is full of foreign — Brown People
The world is full of weak — Brown People

They hate us for — Our liberty
They hate us for — Our cars
They hate us for — Our money
They ought to be — Behind bars.

Neocon Creed

We believe in one power,
Greed, the almighty,
Maker and mover,
Omnipotent shaker.

We believe in one Lord, Reagan,
The only son of Greed,
Magnificently begotten of the almighty:
Power from Power, Might from Might
Greed from Greed , Right from Right,
Self-made through sheer force of will.
By his Way are all things made.

For us and for our triumph
He rode out of the West.
By power of Trigger
He was borne across Flickering Screen,
And was made heroic.
For our sake he was elevated
to the highest post, then
was transmuted into pure spin.

In accordance with Prophesy
He transformed back into flickers
And rode off into the sunset.

Today he lives in our dreams
Protecting us from libruls and
the terrors of brown people.

We beileve in the reality of the Flickering Screen
from which Greed is fashioned
And by which eternal fear of brown people
Is transformed into a living, daily reason for existence.
It has spoken and Prophecied.

We believe in the Holy Neocon Church
We immerse ourselves in the perpetual baptism of Fear
We anticipate the resurrection of
A world controlled by Rich White men with Good Hair,
In this life and the Flickering Next.


Gloating over the Loot

Look! This is the End of Want.
Look! This is the Promised Land.
Look! A pile of loot bigger even than your own imagination:
A fleet of Humvees stretching past the horizon,
A airport full of airplanes.

You sit in the best seat, with the best company at the Opera
You sit in the best seat, with the best company at the Show
You command the best table at the restaurant
You command the highest commission at the firm.

A trail of attorneys makes you omnipotent
A train of accountants keeps you rich.
An ocean of fools makes you invincible
An endless supply of idiots hangs on your every word.

Who can touch you now?
Who can touch you in your glory?
Who has holds a candle to your flaming sun?
Your God Greed has made you pure
Your God Greed has lifted you to the heavens
In your towering greedmobile you overrun the cowering masses
You go where you will, and need no brothers.

Psalm of Inspiration — Eulogization of Chutzpah
In the desert of my want I call out to Greed:
Greed, Greed, give me what I want,
Greed, Greed, give me what I need.
The fire of lust then fills my being;
The fire of desire burns bright within.
Greed’s energies infuse my limbs;
Greed’s impetus makes my plans.

Before me stands the city
Rich with ripe fruit
Plump with voluptuous wenches.
I will enter the city
I will take what I want.

This man objects “It is not yours”
But I reply “Greed blesses most who takes most boldly.”
This man objects “You have no right”
But I reply “I have the charter signed by the King. What’s yours is his. What’s his is mine.”
This man objects “I will file in court”
But I reply “I own the judge. He eats or dies at my command.”
This man objects “I will creep into your house at night and murder your babes.”
“Ha Ha!” I reply “Report to my castle for guard duty tomorrow at ten.”

Yes. Yes.
I approach the city.
I will enter its gates
I will spare nothing.

The Ritual Awarding of the Contracts

We now celebrate the fruits of our efforts
We now celebrate the Gifts of Greed.

Here are this week’s contract awards

  1. A Systematic Method for the Creation of Irresistable Memes.
    Ichabod Asher. $360,000 Congratulations
  2. Invisible War: Planning, Prosecution, Preventing Disclosure
    Norman Galichnakov. $275,000 Congratulations
  3. Electronic Surveillance of the Brain. New method of Inquisition.
    Franz W.G. Schiller $150,000 Good Job
  4. Cloak of Invisibility an Evaluation of the Technology
    Ludwig H Kerfufflemuir $80,000 — Sensing an invisible theme here.
  5. Out of Sight, Out of Range - Invisibility on the Ground
    Norman Galichnakov $120,000. — There’s a busy fellow!

The Check Writing Ceremony
Let us open our checkbooks in praise of the almighty Greed without which our lives would be empty and our accounts would be overdue.

Reagan’s Prayer

Though I live in a world filled with brown people
I will fear no evil:
Greed’s invisible hand will produce handcuffs
To stay their hands.
Greed’s invisible hand will produce radar tracking towers
To protect me from their intrusion.
Greed’s invisible hand will fill my house with automatic weapons and vigilant guards.

My pantry overfloweth with C-Rations
My fatigues are pressed and spotless
My alarm system is tested and functional
My guards tote tasers and Berettas
They do a thousand push-ups a day.

Greed’s invisible hand will keep me connected with the powerful.
Greed’s invisible hand will make me popular and necessary.
Greed’s invisible hand will fill my electronic devices with contacts.
Greed’s invisible hand will deliver me the government contract.
Greed’s invisible hand will get me the lucrative book advance.

When dark clouds of fear roll over the land -
Clouds wrought by this same invisible hand,
Greed’s spirit of fear will produce nuclear bombs
That I might incinerate the cities of men in need
And vitrify the sands on which they breed.


The Blessing

May Greed bless you and keep you
May Greed’s countenance shine upon you
And bring you Gold
And everlasting lust


The Dismissal

Go forth into the land that Greed hath wrought
Go forth and take the loot none other could have bought
Go forth and make fools of men dumber than soil
Go forth and make trillions capturing oil.


Form derived from — Mass in a moment, a real mass that otherwise has absolutely nothing to do with this one.

Apropos of nothing: “Well, yes” he replied, “I can think of one difference between us and Nazis: we might have the benefit of learning from history, if we were inclined to do so. They made the same mistakes for the first time and did not have that opportunity.”

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